Starring: Krysten Ritter, Rachael Taylor, Eka Darville, JR Ramirez, Carrie-Anne Moss, Janet McTeer, Callum Keith Rennie, Rebecca De Mornay (yes, that one), John Ventimiglia, Terry Chen and Hal Ozsan
Vomit Incidence: Episodes 5 & 6, people, avoid episodes 5 & 6!!!
The super-powered anti-social alcoholic private investigator returns in this second season of Jessica Jones delivered in 13 binge-worthy episodes, but it is any good? Does the (spoiler alert) demise of her nemesis Kilgrave (David Tennant) at the end of season one mean that Marvel’s sulkiest superhero has lost her mojo? I’ve watched all thirteen episodes over the course of two weeks and I’m sadly going to have to go with – yeah, kinda.
I enjoyed the first season, I really did. I even (this causes me actual physical pain) loved David Tennant as Jessica’s nemesis – the mind-controlling Kilgrave. The noir style was well done, the characters were engaging and Krysten Ritter was spot-on as Jessica, in short, everything worked really well together. Season two however is the complete opposite. The first six episodes are painfully average and the content could have been covered in one maybe two episodes max. The remaining seven episodes are redeemed only by the relationship between Jessica and Alisa (the superb Janet McTeer) and Krysten Ritter’s performance.
It’s almost as if they took a look at what made the first season so good then went ‘fuck it, let’s do the complete opposite!’. We don’t need an antagonist for the hero to beat (yeah you do), we can ditch the noir night shoots for most of the episodes (wtf?), we don’t need to have Jessica investigate any actual cases (still do), also everyone wants to see stuck up self-absorbed Trish relapse into drug addiction then get super-powers like she does in the comics (no, we don’t). Gah.
Even the addition of Janet McTeer as Jessica’s re-animated she-hulk mother didn’t provide the much needed spark. Despite a promising start as Alisa jumps about murdering people to protect the creepy-ass doctor who created her (think the Frankenstein plot but not as clever) she’s relegated to the odd comedy aside and a clunky redemption (really, they happened across a replica of the car crash that nearly killed them both, did they? How convenient). There were some really nice moments between mother and daughter, especially towards the end, but it should have been a side plot, alongside some sort of bad guy to defeat.
Speaking of bad guys, much was made of Kilgrave’s return in this season. In fact he’s only in one episode, and he’s not alive, just a David Tennant-shaped vision taunting Jessica when she’s under pressure. And it’s not even creepy little shit Kilgrave, which we know Tennant can do well, we get comedy ‘end seasons of Doctor Who’ Kilgrave instead. Some subtlety would have been nice.
I’m aware this has been a bit of a negative rant, but that’s only because Jessica Jones was one of my favourite new Marvel characters when season one came out. She’s like my spirit animal (apart from the drinking – doesn’t go well with vomit-phobia, drinking) and I feel a bit let down after watching these latest 13 episodes. Ritter is still fantastic but she really isn’t given anything exciting to do. If they get a third season (not sure about that myself) here’s hoping they either dredge up a decent bad guy for her to fight or (never thought I’d hear myself say this) bring back David Tennant. The show needs him.
Show rating: 4/10 – disppointing lack of coherence and bad guys
NB OCD: 5/10 Trish’s drug habit giving rise to several unpleasant interludes in episodes 5 and 6 and one even commits the heinous act of cutting straight to vomiting WITH NO WARNINGS. Dammit, people. That is NOT ON.
Director: Alex Garland
Starring: Natalie Portman, Tessa Thompson, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Gina Rodriguez, Tuva Novotny, Oscar Isaac
Vomit Incidence: Two – bloody and noisy
After her soldier husband returns from a secret mission near to death a biologist signs up for a dangerous foray into an unstable environmental anomaly hoping to find answers which could save him.
OK, first things first, A LOT has been said about this film only getting a Netflix release in the UK, rather than a cinema one as in the US. So bloody what? Some of us much prefer the comfort of our own sofas and relish the lack of human contact we normally would have to endure on a trip to the cinema. Yay for Netflix I say!
But is it any good? Actually it really is. Not that I was too worried, Alex Garland has a pretty decent track record and Natalie Portman is usually a good indicator of quality material (Thor 2 notwithstanding). The film is part sci-fi, part horror and features all female leads which is fantastic to see, even if one of them seems to have overdosed on mood-stabilisers for some reason.
I can’t divulge too many plot details for fear of spoiling it for you but if you’re of a nervous disposition then you may want to hide behind a cushion when the bear turns up (another benefit of Netflix film releases – can’t really hide behind cushions in the cinema). You also might want to have the headache tablets ready for the end of the film, it is truly beautiful but utterly mind-boggling.
Emetophobes be warned, the vomiting occurs within the first 30 minutes of the film. Watch out for Oscar Isaac after he has a drink of water and the Natalie Portman waking up from her sedation. You have been warned. Also if you’re not a big fan of wiggly viscera and people with half a face, this may not be the ideal movie for you.
Vomiting and migraines aside, this is an imaginative and thoughtful sci-fi movie and the visuals are absolutely stunning. The ending might be a little confusing and leave us with more questions than answers but then sometimes that can be a good thing. More films from Mr Garland please – whatever format they are released in they are first class.
Film rating: 8/10 (loses a point for a slow first 20 minutes)
NB OCD: 5/10 – Vomiting is bad enough but bloody vomit – that’s just plain unnecessary.
Director: Paco Plaza
Starring: Sandra Escacena, Bruna Gonzalez, Claudia Placer, Ivan Chavero
Vomit incidence: One, minor
A teenage girl already charged with looking after her three younger siblings makes life infinitely worse for herself when she attempts to contact her dead father via Ouija board. During a solar eclipse. Duh.
You can probably tell from the above précis that I have seen A LOT of films where someone (usually a teenage girl) thinks that contacting dead people using a glass and some cardboard is a great idea. It honestly never is.
This Spanish horror film, despite the marketing campaign suggesting that people have been so terrified they have had to switch off, really isn’t scary at all. The cast is uniformly excellent (especially the young siblings) and the ideas are solid but there’s nothing here we haven’t seen before. OK, there’s the solar eclipse angle but, apart from providing some initial spookiness, this is never really explored. Even ‘Sister Death’ the obligatory blind psychic nun (every movie should have one) doesn’t really have much input.
The very minor vomit incidence occurs when the malevolent spirit decides that Veronica shouldn’t be eating meatballs. Sadly this is one of the better scenes so you will either have to steel yourself or miss out. Sorry guys but I survived it, you will too.
I know I’ve been a bit churlish about Veronica in this review but it’s not a bad movie. The spirit is suitably menacing and the actors do a great job of making you care; you really do feel for Veronica by the end. But if you’re looking for a scary movie you’re probably best off watching The Ritual instead. Sorry Vero.
Film rating: 7/10 – lose one point for allowing a four year old with the attention span of a lettuce to draw the all-important protection symbols on the walls.
NB OCD: 2/10 – Unpleasant but endurable tomato sauce regurgitation
Director: Ryuhei Kitamura
Starring: Luke Evans, Adelaide Clemens
Vomit Incidence: One, relatively unpleasant
After a chance encounter in a diner, a gang of criminals kidnap a wealthy couple looking to rob/murder/whatever them. Things do not go as planned.
I love this Luke Evans film. I don’t care that it has a crappy Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB score, it’s great. Unashamedly grisly (woodchipper alert!) with a psycho you can really root for, what more could any horror fan want?
The first time I watched this I was expecting your usual revenge flick – man’s girlfriend is killed by baddies, man righteously kills baddies in ingenious ways. WRONG. The twist here is unexpected and turns it into much more of an interesting proposition. If it weren’t for the vomiting (see below) and the need for a few more bad guys to off, this would be in my top 20 easy. It even bucks the trend and has a good ending – in a horror film?! A rare thing indeed.
Sooo for those of you who need to fast-forward pukey bits, there’s only one here but it’s one of those annoying ones with not much warning – just have your fingers on the FF/Mute button when two bad guys go to see what happened to their hostages and find the dead girl with her hair/scarf (can’t tell, too much blood) casually draped over her neck. You have been warned.
Puking aside, this is a great little horror film with a fab central performance from Luke Evans which really should have spawned some sort of franchise which I, personally, would have watched the shit out of.
Film Rating: 8/10 – gore galore
NB OCD: 5/10 not completely necessary and definitely unpleasant upchucking
Starring: Rafe Spall, Arsher Ali, Robert James-Collier, Sam Troughton, a weird-ass CGI monster
Vomit Incidence: Implied rather than on screen
After the death of a close friend a group of British blokes go on a bonding trip camping in deepest, darkest Sweden. When an injury forces them to detour through a scary forest (dumbasses) the friends begin to suspect that they are being hunted. Hilarity and high-jinks (gruesome deaths) ensue.
This British horror movie was released in the UK last year and is now out here on DVD whereas everywhere else gets it for free on Netflix – bah! Netflix gripes aside though, this is a decent British horror movie (we do occasionally make them) and despite the initial setup being similar to another great Brit horror – The Descent, it soon makes its own mark and by the end of the movie has gone commendably bonkers.
There are more than a few genuine scares to be had and the director makes the most of the eerie forest setting (in the process probably putting people off visiting Sweden for life) and the cast freak out convincingly with only a few of the more annoying British script issues in evidence (thankfully I don’t recall this word ‘wanker’ making its unwelcome way into this film). I know some people took issue with the CGI monster but it’s used sparingly and when finally revealed is convincingly batshit insane. I for one do not want to meet the frankly damaged designer who came up with that one.
Said CGI creature has a habit of impaling people on spiky trees and it’s this habit which engenders the only semi-vomit incidence in the film as the characters wander across one of their mates with his insides on the outside. If you need to mute/switch off then best do so just after the first friend has been dragged off into the forest. You have been warned.
There are many, many awful horror films out there on Netflix and DVD, thankfully this isn’t one of them. It’s amusing in places, hellishly bonkers in others and the tension is ratcheted up nicely throughout. A solid watch for a Friday evening.
Film Rating: 7/10 – extra point for imaginative (and bonkers) monster design
NB OCD: 2/10 for implied multiple vomiters
Directors: Matt Angel, Suzanne Coote
Starring: Dylan Minnette, Piercey Dalton
Vomit Incidence: Minor but unnecessary and unpleasant
After his father is killed in a car accident Logan and his mother hit financial difficulties and a relative offers them her holiday home to stay in while she tries to sell it. The catch is that they have to make themselves scarce once a week when there’s an open house. Hence the title of the movie, clever, huh?
Well no, not really, clever is one thing this truly awful movie is not. The premise isn’t bad – someone gets in during an ‘open house’ and doesn’t leave, but the story makes no sense, there is zero tension and even after the end credits roll (if you lasted that long, sadly I did) you will not have any of your questions answered. Who gets in? Why do they stay? Why are the estate agents so shifty? Why do we even care etc etc…
The vomiting (when Logan goes for a run, for those of you who need to mute the sound/fast-forward/stab yourself in the eyes with forks) does nothing for the movie, except for allowing Logan to bump into the weirdo old lady who supposedly lives next door (does she? Who knows?).
All in all this really is one of the worst movies I have seen on Netflix (and that is quite some feat considering I watched ‘Nails’ the other day). Avoid at all costs.
Film Rating: 1/10 (for a decent premise)
NB OCD: 3/10 mild, unnecessary vomiting